I've been taking bagpipe lessons for the last few months. It's going well. You don't start out with a set of bagpipes though, contrary to what people think. You start out playing just the 'chanter', the part of the pipes with the holes for you fingers. Looks like a recorder from music class back in grade school, except it has a reed inside instead of a whistle. Well, I finally got a set of real bagpipes! Now we make the trasition to using the pipes (slowly). First we are learing how to hold and handle the pipes. We will begin to practice with the 'drones' (the verticle pipes that come off the top of the bag) plugged. First you learn how to play the chanter and keep the bag full at the same time. Then you add a reed to one of the drones, then another and then the last one, as you learn to supply more and more air and pressure along the way. It's very fun. I love the sound a real set of pipes makes. OK, enough with the 'bag full of cats being strangled' jokes. Maybe when I get a tune down pat on the bagpipe I'll record it down at Black Coffee recording and post it for ya to hear.

I'm definitely feeling better today. Though I guess that 'doubt' is still there. I can always count on Real Live Preacher to bail me out when I feel down. Go there right now and read what he says about fundamentalism. Very articulate, I wish I could express my own thoughts that well. Also thanks to Vic who is always ready to listen to my problems. Speaking of Vic, he has a great post about SUVs on his site right now. I'm in the middle of a 48 hour shift, so not much else to say.

I've been reading The Preacher's weblog 'Real Live Preacher' religiously (if you'll excuse the pun). What really grabbed me originally was his story about his crisis of faith. Imagine that, a preacher with a crisis of faith. Little did I imagine that I would be having my own crisis of faith. This isn't a crisis concerning my religious faith (that's a life long process for me) but my faith in my profession. I'm a firefighter. I love being a firefighter. It's the second career so far for me, the first was photographer. Most people don't truly know what the job of firefighter really is. You're white collar and blue collar at the same time. Most people think of the blue collar, putting on your gear to fight fires, or cut up cars to free injured people. But you are also a medical professional, respecting people's confidentiality, making diagnosis, making sure your patients are given the help they deserve. There is nothing more thrilling than fighting fire. And nothing more rewarding than giving comfort to a patient. Then there are the day to day administrative tasks, like checking fire hydrants, inspecting businesses for safety, and training. Lots and lots of training. Imagine you are an actor. You go to rehearsal every third day and practice your lines. It's always the same play. But are never told when you will get to do the actual performance. Then all of a sudden, alarms go off and you rush to the stage to perform. You don't know till you get on stage which act you are performing, until others start speaking their lines, and every time some people are changing their lines. You rehears 20 times more than you ever actually act. It can be frustrating. I sometimes start to feel like I am wasting away if I am not 'producing'. Unfortunately 'practicing' is not 'producing'. At least for me. Lately I've felt that I am not doing enough with my life. Yes, I make a difference in people's lives, just not often enough for me. It doesn't help that my department doesn't assign firefighters to a station, I float between several trucks. So I don't really get the feeling of family you can get from having a permanent crew. Lately all of these things have been rolling around in my head. I've been a firefighter for 8 years, the longest career I've ever had.
I'm well paid for my job. I get plenty of vacation and good benefits. Some people try for years before they get hired by a fire department. It's not a job many people leave voluntarily. I don't know if I could ever go back to working 9 to 5 (I work 24 hours on and have 48 hours off). But am I really happy? I'm not so sure. After being on vacation for 2 weeks, and traveling down the coast to Portland and San Francisco, I have had plenty of time to question my commitment. I came back to work and it didn't help that it was a tough shift. By 9 p.m. we had bounced around from station 7 to station 5 for training, all the while catching calls. This was a crew I don't work with often and by the end of the day I'd heard the words 'faggot', 'nigger', 'spic' to the point of vomiting. I am 'out' to 2 friends at work. It's not the easiest thing, being the only gay guy on a department of 130 guys, many of who hold tight to the 'small town' mentality that grips much of this valley. On my vacation I had thoughts about how happy I have become with my life in general, and finally being out. I had thoughts of finally just being totally 'out' at work. What a difference a day makes.
So I'm feeling kinda turned around now. Not too happy with my co-workers. Feeling like I'm missing out on the 'big city'. How could I even contemplate leaving such a great job? But I still feel like I am not making a concrete contribution to the world. I still don't feel part of a team. I spent two weeks with friends in places where being gay meant nothing. Two weeks of feeling absolutely normal and unashamed. Two weeks of smiling. Tomorrow I'll go home and get the dog and head to the coffee shop. Maybe things will look different in the morning.

I just got back from seeing "Punch Drunk Love". I'd heard that it was a good movie and that people thought Adam Sandler really proves himself in it. I would agree with both. But no one warned me that I would feel like I was the one who'd gone too many rounds in the ring as I walked home from the theater. At times funny, sad, and disturbing, among other things. It took the walk home to feel some what normal again. It's a rare movie that can throw me for a loop like that.

Damn! I just got back from a great night on the town. I went into the city to see the Mr. T Experience at Slim's. I got there late and they had already started. The bouncer let me in for free! Thanks bud, yer a cutie! After MTX I went around the corner to the Eagle for a beer. Kinda slow on a Saturday night, but they had Monty Python and the Holy Grail on, so it was a hoot. Shout out to Matty the bartender, I promise to come back tomorrow night and check out the beer bust. Well, off to bed with me.

While I'm still up; I'm thinking of changing the name of the site to "Silicon Narcosis". I like the term "Heavy Rotation", but the site isn't just a blog about music. And I feel I have really invented the term Silcon Narcosis. It comes from the term "nitrogen narcosis" also know as "rapture of the deep". According to www.scubadiving.com the cause is not known for sure;

" Scientists aren't sure, but most now accept what's called the Meyer-Overton hypothesis, that narcosis happens when the gas penetrates the lipids (the fatty structures) of the brain's nerve cells. Here it apparently interferes with the transmission of signals from one nerve cell to another and disrupts your central processor. It's a little like spilling a Coke onto your computer keyboard."

It causes mental disorientation while diving and can kill the unwary diver. This made me think of the effects of too much Internet immersion. Many people can have their lives taken over by their on-line life. Web addiction. Thus I came up with the idea of Silicon Narcosis, "Rapture of The Net". I like it.

Wow, I have a lot to post, but it's late and I'm tired from the drive from Portland to Berkeley, topped off by a dinner with Chris and Erin at a Tibetan restaurant followed by chocolate-orange and nutella flavored gelato! Glad to finally make it here, and the drive turned out to be fun. More tomorrow. p.s.-thanks to what ever neighbor is running the open WiFi network that is allowing me to use my airport to connect to the internet (at very high speed I might add)!